the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
after a taxing first half of the week (and in view of more tiring days to come), i took a trip from planet boon lay to town for a much-needed haircut and a bit of strolling down the streets, in a bid to feel close to civilization again. little did i know that much more was to come, in the way of expenditures.
the fallen saint left at 8:06 pm
i am craving for ribena ice blended.
the fallen saint left at 10:42 am
how long have i
the fallen saint left at 11:18 pm this week has been hectic, and the end is nowhere in sight, as far as i can see.
the fallen saint left at 11:04 pm
have i said before that speeding feels good?
the fallen saint left at 1:22 am
in the past 2 weeks of life in nbs, i have conscientiously done more homework and tutorials than i ever had in 2 years at hwachong.
the fallen saint left at 1:00 pm
on an msn conversation with a friend, who absolutely insists on anonymity as the condition for which i can blog about what she said. we were talking about maids and how we both felt it was weird having one around the house, and this was what she wrote..
the fallen saint left at 11:49 pm it's fine if i'm simply not good enough to make the cut, but when i mess up my trials, then after everything has been decided i go on to beat the captain and another player - the captain never made a ball, and scratched twice consecutively - it really makes me want to beat myself up.
the fallen saint left at 1:00 am
the snack racks and fridge in the room are finally filling up. it means we'll never have to go hungry again, but it also may mean i can kiss the hope of getting back my six-pack goodbye.
the fallen saint left at 3:19 pm
just woke up in hall. yes it's 10.39am and no, i'm not late for class. my only lecture for wednesdays starts at 2.30pm until 4.30pm. now, isn't that something?
the fallen saint left at 10:39 am
it feels like the talking behind the back has begun again, albeit for different reasons.
the fallen saint left at 3:58 am
ob&d readings are driving me up the wall - and i'm only at my first assigned reading. dry topics coupled with sleep-inducing writing styles reminiscent of wordy self-help books are the new bane of the reading aspect of my life.
the fallen saint left at 8:14 pm
my stats lecturer is this indian chap with a heavy indian accent. cool. working in starhub for seven months has attuned me to varying accents, thank goodness. yet, he says every lecture will be recorded and uploaded to our student network database, hence i'm now contemplating if this shall be my first and last lecture for stats until possibly the last one before exams.
the fallen saint left at 1:08 pm slept alone last night in my hostel room. roomie will only be back after the weekend since he's got no classes for the rest of this week. it's a surreal kind of solitude, and i quite like it. i suppose moving out from my parents won't be such a daunting task in the near future, when the time comes. i love my parents, but i need my space and we have different opinions on how a home should be designed and decorated.
the fallen saint left at 9:03 am
the previous post was my 333rd, i just realised. and i had to be whining about girls, or lack thereof. how typically me, as influenced by my roomie.
the fallen saint left at 12:18 am
of the 18 or 19 people in my tutorial group, 3 are guys. eye candy is scarce though.
the fallen saint left at 8:46 am
hall orientation camp wasn't half bad after all. through all the times that i was drained and exhausted, somehow i managed to find an untapped source of energy to draw from, and that helped make things a lot better.
the fallen saint left at 1:00 am
Thursday, August 30, 2007
my bleeding wallet
haircut: $30
lunch at crystal jade: $15
backpack from cineleisure: $35.90
hair wax from cathay building: $33.30
this is not inclusive of the miscellaneous food and drinks that i bought along the way. this is one of the rare occasions in which i'm out with kelvin and i end up spending more than him. but this time it was a lot more. i like the design of guess jeans, but i think they are unreasonably overpriced. okay, coming from someone who forked out $110+ for an armani exchange short-sleeve shirt (it was already discounted, mind), the comment perhaps isn't the most appropriate. but still!
i shall not deny that i'm quite happy after the shopping trip. my spirits are up again (:
Sunday, August 26, 2007
little request
yes you heard me.
Friday, August 24, 2007
storm, by lifehouse
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if i could just see you
everything will be alright
if i see you
the storminess will turn to light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
i know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cos i'm so used to living underneath the surface
if i could just see you
everything will be alright
if i see you
the storminess will turn to light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
everything's alright
jammed
wednesday was dad's birthday, and i made a trip back home to be with the family. the trip turned out to be well worth it, because we had seafood dinner at long beach restaurant. the black pepper crabs were awesome. to those who know me, you probably have heard me saying my favourite food has been italian and then generally western cuisine. well, those who REALLY know me will also know that the top of the list, which should not require any mention even, is black pepper crabs for me.
anyway, work is starting to pile up in school. two presentations to prepare for within the space of seven days, and the difficulty of getting everyone to be available for a meeting at a designated venue has been well and truly exposed to me. the only consolation i have is that there is the internet to facilitate a virtual meeting, if all else fails.
i know i said i am prepared to work hard for this opportunity, but surely not this early and this fast, right?
Monday, August 20, 2007
rush
Sunday, August 19, 2007
record
it is a fine achievement, if i may say so myself.
Friday, August 17, 2007
candid moment
(name censored upon violent insistence) says (11:48 PM):
haha..i jus dun like to hav an outsider in my hse leh..
later if burp or fart v paiseh..hahaha
i'd rather mop e floor
lol
my goodness, i can't stop laughing.
not enough
i know i had my chance and i got nervous and messed up. it's how things are in pool. i'm not bragging about the scalp i took, lest you misunderstand, and i'm not here to make excuses. it's a really hard pill to swallow, and through the night i felt so sick inside.
thanks to kelvin, for making the trip all the way down here, and i'm sorry i didn't make your journey worth it. i'm still on for the race to 100 if you are, though.
joining the recreational section for trainings, even if it's at the same venue as the ivp team's, feels like being asked to play with reserves. i apologise to whoever thinks i'm being extremely snobbish here, but whoever that's seen me play even on an off-day will know i'm better than that. besides, the recreational bunch don't care about getting into the ivp team. and i've effectively wasted a year in representing the school. it doesn't help that i'm on a 3-year course, either.
this really stinks, and it's going to be hard to stomach it.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
filling out
pros and cons, pros and cons.. heh.
but it's a good dilemma to have.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
wired a different way
admittedly i'm not one who requires much sleep, and things haven't really changed since i moved into the hostel. and because nothing's really changed, the melancholy has settled in too. the people around me who vaguely understand the type of person i am will know what i'm talking about; i feel no need to explain this to those of you who don't, because it won't make a difference to you anyway.
and, looking back at some of the archived posts, i noticed that over the years, the general tone of my blog has shifted from pent-up angst to gradual reticence and now it's bordering on apathy and indifference. no matter how hard i try to control the path i take and the perspectives from which i view situations, certain things will never fully be within my control.
acceptance is wiser than ignorance. i'm trying to do what i can to be a better person and someone that people can be proud of knowing.
Monday, August 13, 2007
rewind, play
some senior was apparently whispering about my rejection of the pageant participation. i suppose being talked about for this - even if my reason given wasn't the truth - is better than the alternative topic.
such is life and its reality, even when you choose to avoid the limelight.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
sanity depreciation
thankfully, i'm seated at starbucks and there are a handful of people worthy of looking at who will ease the tension within me slightly, and because it is a public place, i have thus refrained from transforming my scalp into a barren landscape.
i am lucky i don't need much sleep in my life.
Friday, August 10, 2007
stats is whack
stats rock, not.
it starts here
and the first lecture will start today - my very own welcome to nbs.
snigger.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
42 years ago..
anyway, today is national day..
so?
ok, i'm not apathetic here, i am merely too tired to feel the fervour of our nation's anniversary for its independence from our neighbours up north. every year we are put through the same doctrine in school, but it's plain for us to see - we are indeed more fortunate, what with the way things have turned out. in order to avoid any conflicts, i shall stop here.
just looked through my online stats notes, and the formulae scared me shitless.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
my tutorial group
murphy's law has got me again.
Monday, August 06, 2007
recap
i banged my left little toe along the way, but these little things will heal.
it only struck me on the last morning, when we sat together and said what we felt about the camp, and i saw my OGL try to hold back her tears, how much this really means to all of us - not only the freshies but the seniors as well.
all in all, thank you so much for the experience. it was great, and this will definitely be something that won't fade into the distance.